Video Game Court

Oyez Oyez!

Court is now in session. The trial of Mario 'Jumpman' Mario vs Link of Hyrule has just begun. 

The matter to be settled is the plaintiff (Mario) has accused the defendant (Link) of false accusations of having an overall harder time as a video game character. 

Our persecutor (me) and the defense (Raven) is ready, as well as our fair and impartial jury (you guys).

(Okay so yeah, this is a Phoenix Wright style trial role play to put to rest a long standing debate between Raven and I over who has the harder time as a video game character. So we decided to settle this like spoiled adults and take it to court...)

I stand up in front of the court, "Ladies and gentlemen of the court, my client has been put through adversities so unimaginable that Link would look like a helpless child if put through these situations."

"For my first piece of evidence, I submit to the court Exhibit A."

"Mario's very first appearance in gaming was 1981 whereas the defendant didn't appear in a video game until 5 years later in 1986."

"Already Mario has a 5 year advantage in the amount of obstacles he had to overcome."

I step up, shaking my head.  "That may be true, but it's not as if his obstacles and enemies really change... Link gets constant environment and obstacle changes, along with an ENORMOUS variety of enemies and challenges."

"Mario has gone through a lot of changes! In his first game, he had to travel up fallen metal, dodge barrels  and avoid flames. Later on, he'd go onto the platforming games we all know and love. And then, a 3D adventure, and then countlessly other types of games, fighting a variety of enemies!"

"Alright then, name some enemies OTHER than Bowser and his 'children', whatever they are, goomba's, koopa's, chain chomps, cheep cheeps, and plants!"

"I submit to the court exhibit B, a list a mile long of Mario's enemies over the years!"

http://www.mariowiki.com/list_of_enemies

"But where is Link on the enemies scale? Last I checked, he was saving Zelda from Ganondorf for the umptempth time!"

"Let's see...  http://zelda.wikia.com/wiki/List_of_enemies_by_name .  But Mario's enemies are overall fairly easy to defeat.  You just have to jump on them or hit them with fire or ice.  Mostly jump on them.  Link's enemies range from easy to so-difficult-you-want-to-rip-your-hair-out.  Link also has to use SO MANY weapons and tools to get through to his goal.  Not to mention puzzles that one can be stuck on for days to weeks to months..."

"I resent that accusation. Mario's boss battles are greatly variety between games, with varying degrees of difficulty. You are operating under the impression that all his enemies are goombas!"

"He's had to fight Bowser several times, each time he updates his techniques. And then you have lots of other bosses that need special handling each time."

"And by the way, on the subject of surmounting bosses, Link is quite literally armed to the teeth (hehe Twilight princess joke). Mario would have an easier time with his villains if he had a sword! Link has tools for every situation! All Mario has is his fat ass, your wits, and some mushrooms and flowers!"

"But Mario doesn't require much thinking.  All he needs is strength and speed, the little wit needed only for the boss battles, which still don't take much.  But Link... Oh my god...  You have to be constantly solving puzzles and ways to defeat each different boss, who are much more massive than the ones Mario has to face. It's almost impossible to get through the Legend of Zelda games without using a walkthrough! Mario has it pretty simple when it comes to brain power."

"Oh really, FOOL!"

"In Bowser's castles for Super Mario Deluxe, there's secret combinations you have to go perform by jumping onto certain platforms in a row. This memorization only gets more complex with each time you invade one of Bowser's castles."

"And is that all?  Link has many more puzzles than memorizing things... Not to mention large dungeons and temples that you can get lost in even with a map! (Seriously, just wait until you get to the water temple in Twilight Princess!! )"

"But at least Link goes through all of that with a worthy prize at the end. Princess Zelda, the strong independent woman who at least does all in her power to stop Ganondorf (before getting inevitably captured). Furthermore, Link is respected throughout Hyrule. He's revered as a hero through the entire kingdom."

"What kind of pat on the back does Mari get? A whiny stupid airhead to save, who doesn't even give him a position of power or any sort of reward (aside from a cake) that he so rightfully deserves after all the backbreaking work he does!"

"At least Link gets praise for his good deeds! All mario gets is, Oh mario saved me, must be Monday. -_-" 

If I were mario, I would've quit after adventure 3."

*pops in*
*drops the video*
*leaves*

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=uZeR-vxREvw

"Ha! I submit that as evidence in my clients favor."

-drags Death back into this- But Death, you have started playing Ocarina of Time, yes? Has any of your progress so far changed your opinion at all?

"She's leading the witness!"