Movies One Must CROAK before seeing

She got her own story! BAM! How's that for strong?! Come at me world!

You've also got other characters from other stuff! Raven and Argent from teen titans, black widow, Rogue from X-men, Storm from X-men, there are ALOT

Yeah! Odd how comics are better at empowering women than most things.

Like how many people would fuck with Bella Swan? *everyone in the world raises hand*
Okay, how many would fuck with Wonder Woman? *crickets chirp* 
That lady from Fifty Shades of Grey I can't bothered to remember the name of? *everyone*
Scarlet Witch? *crickets chirp*

Exactly!
I bet if you stuck Scarlet Witchh in a room of regular people they'd be afraid to BLINK she's so powerful in pretense

Yeah! I love the character, especially after Ultron! Sure her powers weren't the same but she was still really badass!

Not to mention real. Her reaction when Quicksilver died...damn I wouldn't even THINK to make her angry. She ripped out Ultrons HEART

NO SPOILERS FROM AGE OF ULTRON I HAVEN'T SEEN IT YET!

Also, women are complicated creatures and I think film writers over think it. They try too hard to tap into the complicated side of women that the character herself just flops. I think they just have a "Barbie" view point with women. They only see the surface and the character is hollow on the inside.

Seriously, it's like they never took a creative writing course in their life. CHARACTER DEVELOPEMENT IS A THING! ESPECIALLY WITH PLASTIC FEMALE CHARACTERS! MAKE HER DO SOMETHING OTHER THAN JUST STAND THERE AND LOOK PRETTY!

*end of feminist rant*

Seriously, I have the biggest issue (especially with horror movies) with women who are dumber than a pile of rocks and just look pretty. Like, we may be smaller physically than men, but we're not helpless. Good gravy.

Thank SWEET CHOCOLATE someone else notices and cares about this! Up top* raises hand for high five*

*high fives*

Tomorrowland

To say I hate this film would be far too harsh. I don't think it should be shunned or ignored like some films I had previously listed on here, I just personally didn't care for it. 

It's faults were the following. 
1. The protagonist was completely unnecessary.
2. Tomorrowland (the place) wasn't that exciting.
3. Everything good was in the trailer.
4. The storytelling was quite subpar.
5. Too much corporbation for my taste (but that's just disney in a nutshell so I'll excuse that one).
6. For a movie called Tomorrowland, you forgot about most of it pretty quickly, not even lasting in your mind the rest of the day you saw it.

Nothing really leaves a lasting impression on you like was promised in the trailers, and it's sad because it did occasionally have moments of surprisingly deep insight.

Would I call this a complete failure? No, not at all. Earnest effort was put into this definitely. Do I think it could've been a lot more? Definitely.

Strange Magic

You know the stereotype that a Disney movie usually gets? A picture filled with annoying songs with braindead, idealistic characters? Well picture a film that 100% justifies that stereotype and have George Lukas make it instead of Disney and you get Strange Magic.

To be fair it's not the worst thing Lukas has ever done (still haven't forgiven him for that film-which-must-not-be-named), but it's pretty high on the list. If you're a kid, you'll probably like it okay, but if you're an adult, be very afraid. Hell I saw this movie for free and still felt like I was ripped off. 

So here's what's wrong with it to me. While some of the character designs are cool, others are just butt-ugly. 

Yes you. You're one of them. 

And that's another one. It's so weird because the monstrous characters who are supposed to be repulsive actually look better than the human-like ones. I think it's the eyes, but I don't really know, I just never enjoyed looking at them.

The songs were god awful. They were intrusive and you all know my hatred of movies that write the stories around popular songs so I'll leave that point alone. To be fair though, one song actually did get me to laugh a bit.

I think the whole movie would've been a lot stronger if there were no songs altogether though. If it was just a straightforward fantasy adventure then maybe audiences and critics would've taken it better.

All and all, you'll be thinking to yourself, 'That was strange' by the end. I wouldn't recommend it but there's nothing harmful about it. It's just a forgettable, annoying flick.

Fantastic Four 2015

Fox, can you for the love of everything sacred give Marvel back the Fantastic Four license? PLEASE?!

To me, the greatest problem with this movie is they tried to (for lack of a better term) 'Dark Knight it' (make the series serious and gritting) and the Fantastic Four is not the team to do that with! It just sucks the fun out of it!

Give the original Fantastic Four some credit, it at least had some funny moments and you actually called them by their superhero names! They never get called by them AT ALL! Would you rather watch a movie about Reed Richards or Mr. Fantastic! Yeah, didn't think so.

There was basically no middle of the movie at all. I know that sounds weird but it's true. They just cut forward like Castaway but unlike Castaway, the time jump didn't serve any purpose to the story except maybe for run time.

The storytelling was unbelievably cheap. There are plot devices that go nowhere, segways that halt before leading to any interesting character development, and a total lack of team chemistry. Or hell, any chemistry of any kind!

It was completely irrelevant to the original comics. Look, I know changes are inevitable in adaptations but the end result has to at bare minimum RESEMBLE the original source material. I can't give too much away here without spoilers (not that I'd be doing you a grand disservice by spoiling it but still...).
Retraction: It has been brought to my attention that this movie was based off the newest Fantastic Four comics (which I haven't read) so this earlier opinion is invalid. I apologize for this but the rest of the review is credible.

And then we get to the crowning achievement on Shit Mountain. Dr. Doom. Oh I'm sorry! Can't use the COOL NAME. Viktor Von Doom -_-

Good mother of god what did they do to him?! No good pictures exist yet of him to fully show you what I'm talking about but take my word for it. First off, his appearance was so shitty looking! It looked more like a halloween costume than an supervillain outfit. I kept expecting him to pull out a little pumpkin pall and go to houses saying Trick or Treat. His motivation made no sense. And he had all this unbelievable power that should've made him able to kill the Fantastic Four in 10 seconds flat but he NEVER uses them! To me, he was the Jar Jar Binks of Supervillains. That was probably my hottest button with the movie.

I will say two good things about it though. I truly did like the Thing's redesign, I thought it looked a bit more realistic than the other Thing. Furthermore, I liked the actor for Reed Richards. I think he's a good actor, he's done great stuff before and I could believe he was a young Reed Richards in this movie. 

It was mirthless, boring, no exciting action to be seen. Take my advice folks, go see Ant Man. I haven't seen it yet but word of mouth is enough for me to recommend it.

Christmas with the Kranks

When I hear the words, 'shitty christmas movie', this is the one that instantly jumps in my mind. 

Here's the premise, if you can even call it a premise, after their only daughter is off to work with the Peace Corp Mr. and Mrs Krank decide to save their money and go on a cruise for Christmas (yeah you figure out how that works). 

In any logical universe, the neighbors would go 'Oh okay have fun guys!' and that'd be it!

Luckily for the movie's running time this isn't set in any logical universe. Instead the neighbors want to do everything short of crucifying them for not conforming to the neighborhood's traditions. In fact, now that I think about it, no one is in the right in this movie.

The Krank's could just set up their lights on a timer while they go on vacation just to keep up appearances if the town really cares that much. Meanwhile, the neighbors should've gotten charged with harassment, stalking, invasion of privacy and trespassing in this movie. And speaking of pressing charges, the 'heroes' in this could've gotten arrested for assault and reckless endangerment! 

And that's just the tip of the iceberg! There is so much more that doesn't make sense or will give you a headache for days! It's so moronically written and I have no idea how they blackmailed Tim Allen to be in it! Did the director save his life so he agreed to be in this movie out of gratitude? Was he held up at gunpoint? I don't really know but hopefully the extortionist responsible have been incarcerated for making Buzz Lightyear make this!

And there are so many other bad Christmas movies I'll probably be able to rip into this year...

The Fifth Wave

Have you ever wanted to see Twilight have a baby with Hunger Games and Terminator? 

Of course not! But that baby is known as the Fifth Wave.

Everything was predictable, EVERYTHING. It was just on million dollar autopilot from beginning to end. I never once cared about the characters even though admittedly their acting was better than Twilight. That's about the most I can say was going for it.

But nothing else positive past that. 

The story was an incoherent mess, and committed the ultimate crime of deterring me from reading the books. Even though I didn't like the first Hunger Games movie much, it still at least intrigued me enough to consider reading them. But 5th Wave, nothing. I've never seen a 5th Wave book in stores and now I'm going to be purposefully avoiding it. 

Every time I saw the villain on screen even though it was supposed to be a twist I repeated over and over in my head, "he's the villain. He's the villain. He's the villain. He's played by that guy. He's never a hero. He's the villain." and then badda-bing he was the villain! 

I checked my phone like 100 times during it. One time only a minute had past but it felt so much longer than that. I couldn't wait for the credits. Don't waste your money folks. There's nothing to see here.

Batman v Superman

I REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY want to stress this. It's not as bad as people say it is. I don't care for more than a few moments in this but it's not terrible okay? I'm just going to get that out of the way right now. It was a very mixed feeling and in a way that's kind of it's ultimate downfall.

People (myself included) were hoping this would be DC's answer to Avengers or something of that caliber. Unfortunately it didn't even come close to that level of epicness. It felt far too standard for all the hype that was built up for it and it's so tragic because this had some moments I seriously liked in it. 

[color=#000000]SPOILERS[/color]:

All in all, it felt like a very impatient Marvel project that tried to do all the clever build up that Marvel did for Avengers in one movie and it just made it rushed and forced. But I will say that it was worth seeing, even if only once.

Where was the plot

I don't think it was plotless. Man of Steel was, but not this one.