Adventures in Depression

I can tell you your inspiring me with this : )

As a Queer person and someone who has Borderline Personality Disorder, i often have the crisis of knowing i'll always be alone. 

And loneliness sucks, yknow? you feel like nobody understands you, nobody can love you because you will never love yourself. How could someone possibly accept your flaws if you can't accept them yourself?

but you won't be alone. You're probably looking in the wrong place. it sucks to wait but there are thousands of people out there who might not be going through the same thing you are, but they understand it. they accept that illness happens to people, that we are all different. And one day, you will find a person who loves you that way.

Just consider that if you ever feel alone. 
plus if you feel especially alone i shall be on hand with sarcastic quips and ice cream

So uh, this is the first time i've actually spoken openly about this, and the only other person that knows about it is Velia from the paediatric ward in my local hospital.

3 years ago today i was assaulted by someone i was very close to and thought i knew very well. The event still haunts me in my sleep, and i get triggered by the strangest phrases people say. At first everything reminded me of him, and i still get overwhelming terror when i leave my house or push myself to do things i don't think i can handle. Needless to say his influence hasn't quite left me yet - and it's really shaped who i am now - but it's becoming bearable.

What he did to me has left me claustrophobic and feeling incredibly uncomfortable when i get close to people. I always keep as much physical distance between other people - even my friends - and i really don't like people touching me unless they've been my friend for a very long time. it goes without saying that i have trust issues too.

why am i saying this now? because if anyone experiences what i have (and i hope to hell they don't), you aren't alone. Don't let one bad event or person in your life completely destroy you. You won't get those days worrying and crying back, every day you spend in fear is gone.

Don't stop living because someone else wants you to die.

It will be incredibly difficult - i won't lie, but eventually you will learn to move on. You will realise that being hurt was not your fault, and you aren't a monster. You will stop letting what happened to you control you, you will get your life back eventually. You will learn to live and hope and trust in other people again. it will happen, in time.

i am not the person i was 3 years ago, i am not the person i wanted to be, but i am okay with that. I am okay with who i am. 

The person who assaulted me is long gone. Sometimes i still hear his voice in my head when i look in the mirror, when i'm about to speak, but he does not rule my life anymore. His bitterness and hatred is not mine, and i am a better person than i ever think i will be. 

I guess the moral of the story is to forgive and accept yourself for what happens to you, and who you meet. Because once you do, that event has no control over you: you are free again.

You just summed up the past 2 and a half years of my life.
I wasn't waiting for someone to write this but now I'm glad
Thanks Meredia <3

Well, I got sleep deprived a lot last night... Funny how insomnia feeds Depression after waking up... -sighs-

today is the first time i've self-harmed in about 2 years... 

and i've been insisting on telling all my irl friends i'm ok because i don't want to let them down/let them know i'm struggling when i've been working so hard over the last couple of years to conquer my mental illness and stop it controlling me.

i feel like a failure.

[sigh]

Oh Max,
You're not a failure. People go through rough times, it happens and occasionally we look for an outlet anyway we can. The only way to have truly failed is to just continue this without any inkling of changing your ways.

The fact you acknowledge that self harm is wrong is a promising sign. So long as you don't continue you're not a failure.

We're all here for you!

I know exactly how you feel.  I may have never done self-harm, but I tried.  I just couldn't bring myself to do it.  I still struggle with my Depression.  

The way I see it, Depression never truly leaves us, it just stays quiet when we learn how to cope, and then emerges every once in a while.  

And what Crouch said is right.  You acknowledge that it's wrong and don't want to self-harm again, then that's a huge step towards healing, I would think.  

You know how I get my feelings out?  I draw and/or paint.  I have some pretty dark artwork, but it helps me feel better.  I think once you find that sort of outlet, whether it be drawing or writing or whatever you love to do, it gets better.  

I'm here if you need me! I hope you feel better soon and that Depression will leave you alone! <3

Thank you to both of you! this really cheered me up!

Usually i write a lot of poetry/short stories and blog posts about my mental illness (it has around 10000 followers now), but yesterday was just a particularly awful day and the guilt i felt for self-harming was crippling. It was hard to deal with, since it felt like i'd taken a step back when i've been doing all i can to stop my anxiety wrecking my chances of uni, going to work, keeping friendships, etc.

But i am getting better, and i will still have bad days even when i'm 'recovered'. I really appreciate the reminders

*hugs both of you*

-hugs- We all have those bad days, even if we have gotten better.  But they pass!

7 months later and i finally broke off contact with someone who's been emotionally abusing me

it has been horrific - and so hard - to go to the police and tell them that the person i used to love has been harassing me, guilt tripping me, and making me incredibly unwell (physically and mentally)

Words cannot describe how relieved i am to know they will never have the means to speak or try and manipulate me again.

They did some unforgivable things to me, and said worse. Blaming me for their illness, guilt tripping me into speaking to them/doing what they want, making me doubt my own mental state.

I'm so happy it's over.
[exhales the biggest sigh]

I'M FREE!!!!!!

Woo! I'm so happy for you! You deserve better than someone who's just going to make you depressed.

This "song" is ALMOST exactly like arguing with Depression.

You repulse me.

I am beautiful.

I hate you.

I love you.

How can you even love yourself?

I am worthy.

You disgust me.

I am pure.

I'm letting you go now.

Please don't go.

You'll burn in Hell.

I'll float to mortality.

There is no God.

God is inside of me.

No wonder your father left you.

He should have protected me.

Just take a closer look.

I will not!

You're a whore.

I forgive you.




I have barely gotten any sleep the past 3 nights.  I wouldn't actually fall asleep until 2:00 or 3:00 AM, and after that I'd keep waking up and going back to sleep.  Last night I watched Big Eyes, Once Upon A Time, and started Maleficent with my younger sister.  (We turned the TV off at 3:00. )  I don't know why I haven't been able to sleep well, but sleep-deprivation feeds my Depression.  I'll start doubting myself.  Anxiety will go way up.  My Art 1110 class is from 5:20 PM to 9:00 PM.  I've already missed parts and all of class a lot, so I'm scared if I go home to rest, my grade will just plummet.  (Anxiety tells me I might fall asleep behind the wheel and end up in the hospital and/or kill other people.)  I start to hate myself.  I'll tell myself that I'm a failure, that I'm a lazy ass bitch that won't get anywhere in life because I'm so dependent.  I'll never have enough money to live by myself or help support me and Crouch once we can finally live under the same roof.  I feel like a horrible person for no other reason then Depression screaming it at me...




Thanks for listening to my whining...

I love all of you.

I realised that the friends i have here are genuine and i appreciate you guys so much. I can't be here often, because right now the depression is making it a physical effort to do anything, and i dont feel like i can connect to my characters and see them as they are when i'm in such a... dampened state of mind.

I recently found out that a lot of my friends have been feeding my anxiety and depression and have been manipulating me because i'm in a vulnerable state right now. I doubt everything i think and feel about people, and i hate it. I can't stand that my own paranoia is shredding me to pieces, and i'm not sure if i can be pieced together.

But i always know i have you guys, and whilst i dont talk often with you all here, it brings me a lot of courage to know you're there.

So thank you.

D'aww, you're welcome. You're a great person Mer and we all know that.

I hope your depression gets better so you can get back to rping again.