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 Could Y'all Read This Please

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DeathDolohov

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PostSubject: Could Y'all Read This Please   Thu Apr 04, 2013 8:04 pm

Okay, so some of y'all may have already read this in the confessions thread but I wanted to post my own little thread here formally telling you guys.

I'm transgender.

I've only just figured this out so it's all still new to me.

Basically, I'm a boy in a girl's body. It sucks and I understand that some of you guys may be confused as to why I feel this way. This is okay. I encourage you guys to come and ask me questions.

Knowledge = less fear

Less fear = less hate (not that y'all could hate me anyways, I mean come on, look at me Wink [dear god someone lock up my ego before it takes over the world])

So I would appreciate if you guys used male pronouns from now on when speaking about me OOC (i.e. instead of she say he).

I'm still me just changing physically. Kind of like going through puberty again (oh god... -.-)

So yeah, I'm done now. Thanks for reading this. If you have any questions go ahead and ask them. Don't be shy. I won't judge you. I encourage curiosity. Now I'm just rambling so I'll stop before this turns into a three page ramble about nothing in particular.
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Meredia

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PostSubject: Re: Could Y'all Read This Please   Thu Apr 04, 2013 8:08 pm

a boy who likes painting his nails.
cool
c:

still love you bro.
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DeathDolohov

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PostSubject: Re: Could Y'all Read This Please   Thu Apr 04, 2013 8:11 pm

Hey some people paint on canvas I paint my nails. Art is art.
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DeathDolohov

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PostSubject: Re: Could Y'all Read This Please   Sat May 04, 2013 8:13 pm

-sigh-

So I'm moving out of my house and I'll be bouncing from friend to friend for a while. I don't know when I'll be on or for how long.

I'll be starting college next week and searching for a job and doing a whole lot of shit. So my hours will be random and most likely short. Sorry. :/
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CrouchJunior

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PostSubject: Re: Could Y'all Read This Please   Sat May 04, 2013 8:19 pm

It's okay Death, wish you the best

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Meredia

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PostSubject: Re: Could Y'all Read This Please   Sat May 04, 2013 9:16 pm

don't worry, we still love you
:3
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DeathDolohov

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PostSubject: Re: Could Y'all Read This Please   Tue May 21, 2013 8:37 pm

On a much lighter note; I've decided to go all artsy fartsy (I don't know why, I just got bit by the bug I guess) and I'm gonna make y'all some drawings. I've already got a few picked out for some of you so if your name isn't listed below you're going to get a surprise.

Also with this, when I'm done, I'd like to mail them to y'all. However, if you guys don't wanna pm me your address that's 100% understandable so I'll just post the picture of the final result either here or on the fb page.

On to the list and what I need from you. I need your favourite character. It can be from anywhere. A movie, a tv show, a book, anything.

Here's who I need this from:

Raven
Amy
Mer
Louis
Wrath
River
Liria

Cynder, Crouch, and Phoenix I've already got something picked out for y'all so you needn't worry.


Last edited by DeathDolohov on Fri May 24, 2013 3:52 am; edited 2 times in total
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Phoenix Flame
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PostSubject: Re: Could Y'all Read This Please   Tue May 21, 2013 8:41 pm

Okey dokey Smile I can't wait to see it!
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RiverSeth

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PostSubject: Re: Could Y'all Read This Please   Tue May 21, 2013 8:48 pm

one chracter?! how am i meant to choose?!
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DeathDolohov

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PostSubject: Re: Could Y'all Read This Please   Tue May 21, 2013 8:51 pm

Just pick something. Anything.
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RiverSeth

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PostSubject: Re: Could Y'all Read This Please   Tue May 21, 2013 8:57 pm

umm.......
Spock from Star trek into darkness.
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Meredia

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PostSubject: Re: Could Y'all Read This Please   Wed May 22, 2013 8:50 am

uhm
I'm sorry, you're going to have to choose the easiest one :s

- Mello from Death Note (<3 )
- Kyoya from Ouran High School Host Club
- Mai from Avatar: the Last Airbender

I CAN'T DECIDE ARGH HELP
ill be insanely happy with any.
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DeathDolohov

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PostSubject: Re: Could Y'all Read This Please   Fri May 24, 2013 1:45 am

Just thought I'd say this, I'll also post the finished art on my deviantart when I'm done.
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Liria

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PostSubject: Re: Could Y'all Read This Please   Fri May 24, 2013 2:32 am

Sorry Death its taken me so long!!! Umm... I honestly dont have a favorite character tight now to be honest.....

Give me more time to think!
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PostSubject: Re: Could Y'all Read This Please   Fri May 24, 2013 3:06 am

Don't feel rushed. Pick something good though!
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DeathDolohov

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PostSubject: Re: Could Y'all Read This Please   Wed May 29, 2013 7:36 pm

Warning: this is a serious post.



I have literally reached the edge. I don't know how much longer I can fight...everything.

I'm not posting this because I'm being an attention-seeking whore. I am posting this because I do want your attention. I don't want to do something incredibly stupid, but I just don't know how much longer I can put up with being pushed down.

Do you guys know how much it hurts to trust someone with your most intimate secret and then have them tell you daily that you're lying and you're just confused. You don't know what you want. You're going to regret this.

This is my life, has been my life for a while now.

This is my plea for help. I don't want to give up, but I know I can't fight it much longer. I don't want to fight. I want to be happy.

I found a YouTube video that a trans guy that I'm subscribed to made about another trans guy's suicide. He (the deceased one) had a life just like mine. Braten down verbally and mentally every day for being different. By his own family no less. It's the same fucking thing for me! If he felt the need to kill himself, who's to say I won't soon? Who's to say that I don't now?

I don't know anymore guys. I'm sorry. I'll just go hide in a corner and cry for a while.
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DeathDolohov

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PostSubject: Re: Could Y'all Read This Please   Wed May 29, 2013 7:38 pm

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DeathDolohov

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PostSubject: Re: Could Y'all Read This Please   Mon Jun 03, 2013 1:19 am

I give up. My parents win. I'll never be a boy. I hope their religion is fucking worth the price of their child.
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CrouchJunior

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PostSubject: Re: Could Y'all Read This Please   Mon Jun 03, 2013 1:41 am

Sad what happened?

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DeathDolohov

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PostSubject: Re: Could Y'all Read This Please   Tue Jun 04, 2013 12:43 am

Shit happened. I can't get any acceptance from them in any way, shape, or form. So, I give up.
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Phoenix Flame
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PostSubject: Re: Could Y'all Read This Please   Tue Jun 04, 2013 6:20 pm

Sweetie, everything always gets better. I promise. Right now it'll feel like it won't, but it will.

I saw this analogy once that said it was like weather, the rain being how beaten down you feel. Sooner or later, the clouds will go away and the sun will come out. When it does, everything will brighten up again.

Death, I know I speak for all of us when I say that we're always going to be here to listen and support you. <3
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DeathDolohov

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PostSubject: Re: Could Y'all Read This Please   Mon Mar 24, 2014 5:21 am

Okay, so it's late, it's the third consecutive day that I haven't been sleeping right, I've got a lot on my mind, and I need a release. Plus, I feel like I should probably update y'all since I've been got for a week or two. So here we go.

So today, yesterday (?), Sunday, was my last day at the church and I'm kinda having mixed emotions about it. I'm mostly going "FUCKING FINALLY" but part of me is sad because I am only further isolating myself. I have an issue of being so introverted that I literally avoid all human contact unless forced and I know that's not healthy but I do it. As a result I suffer from depression from being so isolated and lonely. So yeah. The only people I see are my family, which I honestly could care less about on most days, and co-workers that I am not too fond of. I haven't seen any friends since December and I know I have y'all but it just ain't the same as being face to face.

Which brings me to another thing. I have been really self-conscious lately and I've been telling myself that y'all probably don't really like me. Which, I know is false, but when you're isolated all the time you start to believe that no one really likes you (even if the isolation is your fault). So I isolated myself further and just stopped coming on.

When I realized what I was doing I tried to fix it by talking to my best friend again (which, once again, I haven't seen her since December). I'd text her and we'd talk for ten minutes then she would drop it. I'd try again after a few hours and she'd do the same. Not gonna lie, that fucking hurts. I know when to take a hint that I'm not wanted and all. I know it's my fault that we grew apart and all (she's uncomfortable with the fact that I'm agnostic) but still. It fucking sucks to lose your best friend that you've shared everything with.

God damn it, I'm crying now. -wipes away tears- Sorry. I don't cry much and when I do I get really pissed off at myself.

Okay, on with the program. I'm super frustrated with college. Like, beyond frustrated. I think it's completely pointless to spend my time, money, and energy on a degree that ain't gonna do shit for me. I wanna get a bachelors in meteorology. What the flying fuck is an associate in arts degree gonna do to help that? I'll tell you. Nothing. Abso-fucking-lutely nothing.

On a happier note, I'm finally allowed to get tattoos and piercings so long as they don't interfere with my job. Very Happy And I ordered more tapers and plugs so that I can finally get my stretching on the road!

Anyways, that was long, but I needed to let it out because it's been bothering me for a while. I ain't looking for your pity or sympathy. I just needed to vent and I knew I could post it here without making a big scene.

Alrighty, adios for the night. (maybe.)
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Liria

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PostSubject: Re: Could Y'all Read This Please   Mon Mar 24, 2014 7:56 pm

Vent away Deathy!

I love you! I understand the feeling of being lonely. I've been basically isolated since the beginning of March due to an accident I had. I had to get pulled from school and everything. I'm not allowed to use my phone (which I am not good at doing that) I'm not allowed to watch TV or really go anywhere. It does get to you. Feeling lonely. I've been trying and make sure that my depression doesn't kick in on top of everything... But it hasn't really worked. All the stuff I've delt with since the accident has sucked majorly but I recently had someone tell me this "It's always alright in the end, and if it's not alright it isn't the end yet"

I hope this helps!
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PostSubject: Re: Could Y'all Read This Please   Mon Mar 24, 2014 8:38 pm

The end better get here soon cause I'm fed up with this shit. Thanks for those words though Lir. I'm here for you as well. If you just need to vent pm me and we'll talk. I'm good at listening.
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DeathDolohov

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PostSubject: Re: Could Y'all Read This Please   Wed Dec 24, 2014 4:51 am

So, it's late at night and it's the end of the year. Hey, guess what? I'm depressed again! -insert sarcastic "yayyyyy!"-

So here's what going on with me:

I'm dropping out of college. I can't get anywhere with it so I'm not going to continue. Also, as almost a sign of fate, ny financial aid has been withdrawn because I couldn't keep my GPA up. So I'm giving a big middle-finger salute to college.

I'm struggling with accepting myself as a whole. I mean, I know I'm gay and genderfluid/genderqueer, and I have weird obsessions and fears and I'm a nerd and yeah (yay for no commas, I got lazy). I'm just having issues with it all.

I can't see how someone else would want to hang out with me. Hell, I don't know why you guys have been doing it for almost three years (god, can you believe that), four for Crouch and Riv.

I'm just filled with self-disgust and loathing and it's making me depressed.

Let me share a story to kinda explain it. I have a friend who I met through Facebook. She's a mod on a page that I like. She's quirky, weird, and a total goofball (and before you ask she's straight and I don't like her like that). She'll compliment me all the time though and it makes me uncomfortable. She will say things like, "you're gorgeous" and "you're an amazing writer". I don't know what to do with that.

Besides you guys, I've never had someone compliment my writing. The reason I'm okay when you guys compliment me on my writing is because I started with you guys. You guys were the people that I began with. You have seen me grow into the writer I am today. So, when you compliment me it's easier to take because you've been there all along.

Anyway, I just freak out when people who don't know me compliment me. I'm so socially awkward that I don't know how to respond to praise.

And that leads me to my next point (half of you probably stopped reading by now and I don't blame you, this is mostly for me anyways):

I'm so fucking lonely. I just want a girlfriend. Simple as that. I'm almost 20 and I've never had a relationship. That's pathetic. I'm almost 20 and I've only been kissed once and it was by a guy and I avoided him like that plague afterwards. -laughs at the memory-

I don't know. I just am disappointed in myself. Nothing in my life has turned out the way I wanted it to. I guess that's good in some ways but for the most part I feel like a failure.

Last point: I am so full of self-hatred right now. I know I'm lazy, and selfish, and an ass, and inconsiderate, and not empathetic, and I just don't give a damn about how much my words will hurt someone if they're the truth. In short, I'm a royal bitch and i hate myself for it. I've tried to fix some of these issues but a lot of them lie at the core of my personality.

Take for instance, the emotional thing. I do not understand other peoples emotions. I can say something with the intent of enlightening someone else to the truth, but I'll come off as blunt and make them upset. Why they're upset? I don't know. I don't get it. I'm just trying to let them know the truth so they don't make the same mistake twice. I do this with my sister all the time and she always gets upset with me. It just doesn't click for me.

Anywho, I'll leave it at that and I'll just see myself out.
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