Really bad jokes

River, stahp; you're starting to sound like my dad.

i have more.
-evil laugh-
Sorry, iread the Readers Digest. Thats the only reason i know them

why didn't the chicken cross the road?
it got crushed by a lorry.

Why did Fiona fall off the swing?
cuz she has no arms or legs

Knock knock, who's there?
Not Fiona.

i was going to do a chemistry joke but all the good ones argon.



Yes, even a geek has jokes.

Things you don't want to hear in Surgery:

“Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy.”

“Someone call the janitor and tell him to bring a mop.”

“Wait a minute. If this is his spleen, what's that?”

“Hand me that... uh... that uh... thingie.”

“Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived 500ml of this stuff before?”

“Rats, there go the lights again...”

“Ya know, there's big money in kidneys. Heck, the guy's got two of 'em.”

“Stand back! I lost a contact.”

“Could you stop that thing from beeping? It's throwing off my concentration!”

“What's this doing here?”

“That's cool! Now can you make his leg twitch?!”

“I should have brought my glasses.”

“Well, folks, this will be an experiment for all of us.”

“Sterile, shcmeril. The floor's pretty clean, right?”

“Anyone see where I left that scalpel?”

“Okay, now take a picture from this angle. This is truly a freak of nature.”

“Nurse, did this patient sign the organ donation card?”

“Don't worry. I think it's sharp enough.”

“She's gonna blow! Everyone take cover!”

“Rats! Page 47 of the manual is missing!”

“FIRE! FIRE! Everybody out!”

“Max! MAX! Come back with that! Bad Dog!”

“Oh, no! Anybody seen my Rolex?”

“I hate it when there's stuff missing.”

“What do you mean he wasn't in for a sex change?!”

“And now, I'll remove the subject's brain and place it in the body of the ape.”

“This patient has already had kids, right?”

“What do you mean you want a divorce?!”

“"Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness!"”

“Oops.”

“Let me ask your opinion, nurse...”

“I thought we started with four clamps?”

“Has anyone ever seen one of these?”

“What do you mean, it's upside down?”

“Oh, man! I think I'm gonna be sick.”

“This is what happens when cousins marry.”

“You think we can sew it back on?”

“Put on Dr. Kevorkian's new CD.”

“Is that supposed to be yellow?”

“I learned that when I studied to be a vet.”

“Not bad for someone who failed med school.”

“What does the AMA know? I still think I can do it.”

“Whoa. Maybe I shouldn't have gotten so drunk last night.”

“Does Tab A go into Slot C or Slot F?”

“They never let us practice on real people in med school.”

“That proves aliens have taken over our bodies.”

“He looks like my ex-wife's attorney. The one who got her the house, the car, the money... he even got her!”

“Don't worry, he'll never know. He's out!”

“Okay, make a wish and pull.”

“So that's what a girl looks like!”

“Back in a minute. Gotta put more money in the meter.”

“What he doesn't know won't hurt us.”

“Uh, ya want fries with that?”

“Who ordered the pepperoni?”

“Tilt that TV this way. I can't see the game.”

“Poor guy. Maybe we should give him a sex change.”

“The voices in my head keep telling me not to do this.”

“I think my Alzheimers is getting... uh...”

“Oh, yeah? If you think you're so good, you do it!”

“How come this patient has both sex organs?”

“CLEAR!!”

How does Batman like his drinks?
With Just ice

*Awkward drum roll*

omg that joke's so bad it made me laugh c:

this made me laugh....

Two accountants were cycling through a park when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"

The second accountant replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up to me. She threw down her bicycle, took off all her clothes, and said, 'Take anything you want!' "

The other accountant nodded approvingly. "Good choice - the clothes probably wouldn't have fitted," he said.

News at 11, NASA sends probe to Uranus, people everywhere giggle.

Why could George W Bush make a great comedian?

He's got 8 years of material! *comedic drumroll*

What's the difference between a tornado and a divorce in the South?
Nothing, someone loses a trailer regardless! X'D

Why are ants so confused?


because all their uncles are ants.

So a guy once asked me what Soylent Green tasted like.

I told him it varied from person to person!

...

What's the difference between a politician and a catfish?

One's a scum sucking bottom feeder, the other is a fish!

So a pirate crew was sailing on the sea. One day the first mate spies another pirate ship approaching theres and the crew was readying their canons. He runs to tell his captain.

"Mate," The captain tells him bravely, "Get me my red shirt." The first mate is confused but obeys his captain dutifully.

After a long battle, the crew wins the day and sends the other ship sailing away in disgrace. 

"Captain," The first mate asked, "Before the battle, you made me get you your red shirt, why?"

"Because", the captain explains, "If I were to get hurt, I wouldn't want my crew to see me injured." 

The first mate felt a surge of pride for his captain and continued operations.

The next day, a fleet of 20 navy ships approaches them.

"Captain should I get you your red shirt?" The first mate asked.

"No matie..." The captain looked at his first mate, "Today, get me my brown pants!"

pfthahaha

Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him... A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

What is George Michael's favourite chocolate bar?

A careless Whispa.

I sent this to a misogynist and i'm pissing myself

Why did the hipster burn his tongue?
He drank his coffee before it was cool :3

Why don't you ever want to buy shoes made by a drug dealer?
You'll be tripping all day! :3

So a nurse walks into a bank, completely exhausted from her 18 hour shift. She grabs a deposit slip, pulls out a rectal thermometer and tries to write with it. Realizing her mistake, she looks at the flabbergasted teller and, without missing a beat, says, "Well that's great! Some asshole's got my pen!" XD

I laughed more than I should have